Home: August 2004 Archives

Saturday, August 28, 2004
time and surprise

Dearest angel,

It's been a wonderful two months, hasn't it? I don't know how it happened - not exactly - but somehow, you've become quite entangled in my life. Somehow, you're always with me. In the car, listening to the radio, I catch myself wanting to sing along to a song with you. In a store, I'll see something you'd like, and wish you were there so I could show you, and see you smile.

It happened quite quickly, really. From our first date, I knew that you were special. We meshed so quickly, so completely, that I got nervous. We all have baggage, and mine is still in the process of being packed, but I didn't care. I wanted more. I wanted to talk to you day and night. I wanted to touch you. I wanted to wrap you in my arms, and make you feel safe.

That's a dangerous feeling for someone like me. You see, I've made enough mistakes in my life to know that I can't really protect someone and still care about them the same way. I have to give them enough room to make their own mistakes. I have to make them stand on their own, even when it would be easier to let them lean on me, or let me fix something for them. And somehow, I knew that you knew that too. You stood on your own, and you liked it.

And still, with all that independence, strength and competence, you glow when I tease you. You purr when I take you. Your heart beats faster, and your breathing quickens when you're helpless before me. You blush when I tell you what to do. And your voice catches in your throat when I make you ask for more. You love the games I play, and you want to play some games of your own. You want to be mine, in all the different ways that the word can be taken. You've taken my collar, and you're still a brat, still fiesty and strong.

And still, you think I'm wonderful. You tell me how you feel, you tell me that I make you happy, and you tell me that I make you feel safe. You tell me how special I make you feel, and how special I am to you.

I know you're scared, angel. I know that there's a lot for each of us to deal with, but I'm not afraid. I know how you feel about me. I know how I feel about you. There are words that dance in the back of my head every time I talk to you. They keep demanding that I shout them out to the world, but they'll stay where they are for now. I'll keep them to myself until I know you're ready to hear them. But they are there, nonetheless.

Thank you so very much for the last two months, angel. I hope we have many, many more ahead of us.


posted at 12:45 PM :: permalink :: Comments (0)
filed under events

Sunday, August 22, 2004
skills and characteristics

Dear angel,

As you know, I think about us a lot. There is so much to learn in this world, and the more I learn, the more I find that I need to know. When I'm with you, angel, I strive to be the best Dom that I know how to be. So far, it seems to be working. But I've found myself thinking about what it takes to be a Dom, and I've compiled a little list.

No doubt that this list is incomplete. There are probably things that should be added to it. There may be things on it that aren't as important to others as they are to me. Nonetheless, here are some things that I feel are important in my role as your Dom.

Tying Knots

As a bare minimum, a Dom needs to know a few basic knots. A Dom should know:

Tying the submissive

There are different reasons for tying up a sub. For each different reason, there is a different method. A Dom should know:

The Toy Bag.

All toys must be stored in a proper fashion. For us, the toy bag is where we store all our various accessories. A Dom should:


You know that I love to tease, angel. I find that teasing is an integral part of our relationship, and as such, there are some things that I need to know how to do. I have to know:


I *know* how you love to be spanked, angel. I know that the feeling of my hand on your ass turns you on. As your Dom I must know:

Knowing my sub

This is more than just play, angel. You have taken a place in my heart, and I want to be your partner, and I want you to be mine. To ensure this, I have to:

Maintaining the relationship

Like all relationships, there are aspects of give and take. In our relationship, I have to:

Protecting my sub

There will be times when you will find yourself beset with troubles, angel. Sometimes these troubles will be inflicted by others, sometimes they will be caused by your own actions. I have to:


The relationship between a Dom and his sub is like any other relationship, only more so. There are equal parts indulgence and discipline. Control is given and taken at different times. As a Dom, I must:

As I said, angel, there are probably more things that I could add. I know there are probably some that I *should* add. But this list is some of what I'm thinking about when I'm not with you. These are some of the ways that I try to ensure that we stay together for a long time.

I know I'm looking forward to it.


posted at 12:57 PM :: permalink :: Comments (2)
filed under observations

Monday, August 16, 2004
assignments and punishments

My darling, silly angel.

Right now, you're rattling around the kitchen, making lunch for us and enjoying a lazy Sunday afternoon with me. But I'm sitting here thinking about another time, an evening we had together.

You'd forgotten to do an assignment for me, and you had to be punished for it. I didn't want to punish you, darling. I don't like it when I have to correct your behaviour, but you'd failed to complete your second assignement in a row. I gave you a pass on the first one, because you *have* been really busy at work for a while now. But when you didn't do the writing I'd told you to do, I knew that I had to get you back in line.

I remember how your face looked when I asked you if your assignment was done. How your eyes dropped to look in my lap, instead of looking at my face. How your entire body tensed, like you were waiting for me to be angry or yell. But I would never yell at you, angel. No, I was not angry, I was disappointed.

You may be surprised, angel, that I was disappointed in myself. Had I not made it clear that I expected you to do the assignment before I arrived that night? Did I give you the impression that I didn't have to be listened to? Did you think I just liked all the kinky things we did in the bedroom? These thoughts and more went through my mind, as I told you what your punishment was to be.

That downcast look on your face as you went to your punishment was a reproach to me. I had to make sure you kept your promises to me, and I had to make sure you remembered the consequences for forgetting. That's one of the wonderful things about our relationship. The clarity.

We both know who's in charge. Me. I have permission, even an obligation, to decide things for both of us. I don't have to dance around, wondering if you'll get pissed for me being decisive. You don't have to wonder what I'll think of you for giving in. You don't have to wonder if you've gone too far, because you know that I'll emphatically show you when you do. You have the same permission/obligation to submit as I have to dominate. I will make you do what pleases me. You get to do things that you'd never let yourself do to a vanilla boyfriend. (Things that you've always fantasized about, right angel? Things that have kept you awake, long into the night. Things that society and feminists say you shouldn't want.) There's a clarity in our relationship that I treasure. It simplifies so much, and it allows us to step past the politeness, past the dance of social norms, and get right to a deeper, more honest intimacy.

And I wasn't doing it right.

So, angel, when I bent you over the bed, I was actually trying to make up to you. When I used the crop on you, and made you cry out in pain, I was in pain too. When I held you afterwards, and let you feel sad, I felt sad, and protective, and close to you.

And when it was done, it was done and gone. There was no lingering resentment. There were no muttered comments expressing my frustration with you. I know that you wanted to please me. I know that you were unhappy with yourself. And I know that I forgave you. I hope that you forgave yourself, angel.

That's why I'm writing this, I guess. To tell you what I've been thinking about that night. I promise to not let you down, angel. I will keep you safe, I will keep guiding you, and I will keep pushing you toward being the person you want to be. That's my role. That's my obligation. That's my joy.


posted at 03:03 PM :: permalink :: Comments (0)
filed under events

Thursday, August 12, 2004
origins and destinations

Dearest angel,

I sit here, waiting for you to finish your work, and I find myself pondering the ways in which I find myself here. Not in the bookstore, where I've just bought 2 magazines while waiting, but here at this point in my life. To quote the Grateful Dead - "What a long strange road it's been".

In high school, I was the quintessential nice guy. Friend to all the girls, wary of all the guys. I didn't make many friends, and ended up watching the girls I knew go through the throes of romance. Time and again, I'd see them go out with other guys, only to either be treated badly, or to find no satisfaction in their choice of the month. Somehow, I was never given serious consideration. So, when I met my future wife, things moved quickly.

I vividly remember the first blatently kinky picture I ever saw. It was in a Penthouse magazine that I'd found hidden in the basement. My father had obviously hidden it there, along with a cache of other "men's magazines" like Playboy and Topper. The picture was of a lovely young woman, lying back on a bed, with a rope tied around one wrist. Her other wrist, and ankles were off-camera, but her limbs were positioned to suggest that they were also bound. The expression on her face was a mixture of wanton arousal and defiance.

The picture had an electric effect on me. I remember thinking about the woman, and wondering what the photo shoot had been like. I wondered, endlessly, if she actually had been tied to a bed, as was suggested by the photo. What was it like for her, to lie there, helpless, while a man took photographs of her? Did she enjoy herself? Did he enjoy himself? Who did the tying? And how many people were at the photoshoot?

Of course, I had more personal thoughts as well. I wondered what it would be like to have a woman tied like that in front of me. I wondered what she would do if I started touching her, teasing her. This was a natural train of thought for a frustrated, shy teenager. Instead of finding it within myself to talk to a girl my own age with romantic intent, I fantasized about removing the choice from a beautiful girl, and showing her exactly what she had been missing by not considering me as a potential partner.

When my marriage ended, I faced a clean slate, more or less. I was sexually experienced, and I'd spent the better part of a decade supressing my fantasies of bondage and more. In my newly single state, I had an opportunity to make a different choice.

I wonder if a casual reader of these letters can appreciate the precipice I looked over at that point. On the one hand, I had a wealth of experience in a (mostly) vanilla marriage. I'd had many heart to heart talks with my ex-wife during the period before our marriage fell apart. During these talks, I learned that in her opinion I was a despicable pervert, not fit to be left alone with his daughter. Imagine my surprise at finding this out about myself. Especially since it was completely wrong.

On the other hand, I had the opinions of other people in my life, from close friends to medical professionals, who told me that my interests and fantasies were either normal, or at least not exceptional. I had to choose between denying an interest that was deeper than I'd realized, or indulging in behaviour that would scandalize many of my friends and most of my family, should they ever learn of it.

I decided to do some reading, and find out who else was out there, and what kind of things they were interested in. Thank god for the internet, eh? I started reading newsgroups, starting with soc.subculture.bondage-bdsm. I'd been reading stories in the newsgroups for years, but this was different. This was messages written by people in real relationships, trying to figure out the same things as I was trying figure out. Reading the messages posted there, by men and women, Dominant and submissive, helped me to feel that I wasn't so strange. Of course, you get to wade through a lot of crap trying to read the newsgroups now, thanks to spam, but there was a lot of good information there.

Fortified by the knowledge I'd read there, especially in the FAQ file composed by helpful people in the group, I ventured back into the world of dating. After going out with a few different women, trying to get a feel for what it was like for people in my situation, I found a partner that seemed to be a good fit.

We'd been dating for a while, and things were progressing in a pleasant direction, when she asked me if I had any "other" interests. Crossing my fingers, I told her about my interest in bondage, and waited for her to pull back, if not to go screaming into the night. I was surprised, and pleased, when she told me that she'd always been interested in it, but never tried it. A lot of baggage was cleared up in the next few months, for both of us, and we had a lot of fun experiences.

These days, it's a lot easier to get information on BDSM and the various kinks associated with it. It's a lot easier to meet people with similar intersts, too. A few months ago, just before I met you, my darling angel, I started chatting with a woman that I'd met on LavaLife. Now, I know that a lot of kinky people are somewhat disdainful of LavaLife, but I think it's a good place to meet people. Odds are that the people you meet there aren't going to be too far from "the mainstream". Although I'm kinky, I have no interest in sharing my sexuality with everyone I meet. KV had written in her profile that she was interested in being sexually submissive, and I was asking her about what kind of things she'd tried before.

It turned out that she had no real experience with submission, and was feeling a little uncomfortable about the whole idea. She was definitely interested in it, but she was conflicted by the idea. In her day to day life, she's a professional, having to make decisions and direct other people from the time she starts work in the morning, till the time she stops at night. The idea of being submissive, of being told what to do, of being forced to stop and enjoy herself, because she had no other choice, was immensely appealing to her. But the idea that as a modern woman, she should be respected, be in control of herself, of her body, and not be treated as a sex object was in conflict with these interests.

During one of our phone calls, I had KV go look at the Bondage.com and directed her to a number of different places on the site. Bondage.com is a wonderful resource for the kinky adult. It has a good collection of stories, a wonderful gallery of photos, and best of all, it puts you in touch with other kinky people. KV was intrigued, to say the least, and I had her set up a submissive profile on the site.

I directed KV to look at a number of different sites over the next few weeks, and gradually, I could see her becoming much more comfortable with the idea that she had a kinky streak. I was enjoying myself, of course, because the whole process was like an extended seduction. She would ask me questions, and I'd either answer immediately, or direct her to a website after a short search. I'd describe something to her, and listen to her reaction. I introduced her to different activities, and listened to her as she struggled with the conflict between her sensibilities, and her attraction.

Three things happened along the way, however, that changed the relationship between us. First, I came to view her as a student - someone to help and guide, but not someone to seduce. Second, she realized that while the idea of being submissive was intriguing, the idea of being dominant was much more attractive. And third, I met you, my darling angel, and all thoughts of being with anyone else seemed to pale.

So now, according to KV, I've created a monster. She's created a dominant profile on Bondage.com, she's gone out on dates with submissive men, and she's happier and more comfortable with her sexuality. I still talk to her, because along the way, she's become a friend. But I've only got eyes for you, angel. Eyes, and rope, and cuffs, and other toys.

I'm incredibly lucky to have found you, angel. I miss you and I look forward to being with you again very soon.


posted at 07:09 PM :: permalink :: Comments (0)
filed under events

Sunday, August 08, 2004
hunger and surprise

Dear angel,

I was very pleased with you when I arrived at your apartment. You were waiting for me, wearing your collar as directed. A hunger filled me that day, and you'd been warned.

What were you expecting when you opened the door? Did you think that I'd come in and do the usual greetings? Were you surprised when I immediately pulled you to me and kissed you deeply? Were you shocked when my fingers probed your pussy immediately?

You offered no resistance when I ordered you to put your hands on the couch. I could feel your excitement as I pulled your miniskirt up over your hips. Roughly, I pushed your legs apart, and inspected your naked cunt. One finger, then another I pushed inside you. The glass of water that you'd thoughtfully put out for me provided an opportunity I couldn't pass up.

Your gasp as the icecube touched your thigh was very gratifying. I ran that ice cube up and down your thighs, hearing you whimper and watching you wriggle involuntarily. I was so pleased that you didn't try to get away. You merely whimpered as I held the cold to your skin. And when I lightly brushed it over your pussy, you jumped, didn't you?

But the hunger demanded heat, not cold, that night. When I released you, I saw lust and excitement in your eyes. You retrieved the toy bag, and followed me into the bedroom as ordered.

Once there, I took the cuffs from your dresser drawer. They were metal, with leather lining, and they fit so nicely around your wrists. Snug, but not too tight. As I closed the brass locks, I could feel something different between us. Did you feel more helpless because of the locks? It's a different feeling than when I tie you up. Somehow, it's more serious, isn't it?

I took your top off, and chained your hands behind your back. I usually prefer using rope over chain, but the chain complemented your cuffs so nicely. Once I blindfolded you, you had no option but to stand there quietly, waiting for my next move. I looked at you, so eager for my touch. Your mouth was open, and you were breathing heavily already. Your nipples were already hard. I reached down, and pushed your legs apart and moved behind you.

You jumped when you my hands found your nipples. I took them between my fingers, and gently squeezed them, while cupping your breasts. You moaned, and leaned back against me, grinding your hips against my cock. My darling angel, I wanted you so badly. But I was far from finished preparing you.

Once the leather cuffs were around your angles, I stood back, and got out the riding crop. As I gently ran the tip of the crop along the flesh of your legs, I could see you tensing. As I ran the crop up your calf, and thigh, I could see the uncertainty on your face. I gave your thigh a little taste of the crop, just enough to keep your attention. I could see you concentrating on where the crop would strike next, while I removed my pants. Quietly, I took them off and place them out of the way.

A sharp tap of the crop on your belly kept you focussed. When the tip of the crop moved across your breasts, your breathing quickened. Did you know that you did that? Your breasts are so sensitive, aren't they, angel? You can feel every little touch, no matter how light. What were you thinking as the tip of the crop moved towards your nipples? Were you afraid that I'd strike the nipples with the crop? Did that excite you? Or were you hoping that I'd do just that? Your face was a study in conflicting emotions.

On the other hand, I was clear with what I wanted to do. I struck each breast once, lightly, and moved the crop up to your face. I ran
the tip across your cheeks, under your chin, then across your lips.

"Kiss it, angel", I told you. You kissed the tip of the crop, and I ran it down between your breasts, down to your pussy. One small tap there, and then I struck your thighs with it, hard. One stroke, then another, and I removed my shirt while you were distracted. I hooked my fingers in your collar, and pulled your face to mine. Deeply, I kissed you. Your mouth opened, hungry for me, and I probed your mouth with my tongue.

I let you go, and retrieved a feather from the black bag. Lightly, I touched your breasts with it. Your gasps were quite gratifying. The contrast between the pain of the crop and the tickle of the feather must have been interesting. Across your breasts, underneath them, across the skin of your neck, and you were twitching and wriggling. You were almost ready for me. I removed my underwear while you were distracted this time. I slid your miniskirt down your hips, and then pulled you close to me.

The feel of my skin on yours was surprising, wasn't it? The feel of my hard cock against your belly, and my hands on your hips, pulling you close to me. Kisses on your neck, kisses on your lips, kisses on your breasts - it must have been disorienting. But your reaction told me how much you were enjoying yourself.


posted at 12:42 AM :: permalink :: Comments (0)
filed under events

Wednesday, August 04, 2004
qualities and attributes

Dear angel,

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. As you know, due to circumstances, it's about all that I've been able to do. I've been thinking, and cataloging all of the things about you that I find wonderful. Here is a short sampling that list.

You have a quick mind, and a wit to match. Have I told you lately how much I enjoy talking with you? Whether we're trading quips and zingers, or sharing experiences and fantasies, your mind works like quicksilver, flowing from one topic to the next. Our conversations flit from topic to topic, from serious to silly. And in these conversations, you understand my stories, my jokes, and my puns without explanation, following the flow effortlessly.

You are a strong, independent woman. I don't have to worry about you not being able to do something without me. I don't feel that I'm needed in your life. God save me from being needed. I'd much rather be wanted than needed. You are more than capable of fixing things in your apartment, or standing on your own during troubled times. Yes, you are willing to lean on me when I offer a shoulder, but I know that you can handle your own life on your own.

Your eyes are mesmerizing. They are so expressive, and so beautiful. When you look at me in a certain way, the hunger fills me and I'm driven to take you right then and there. Sometimes it happens when we've just kissed, and you are tentatively looking up at me. Sometimes, it's when you blush, and look over at me with lust and embarassment.

Your breasts are so beautiful, and so sensitive. I love to look at them, and to touch them. I love to touch them all over, whether it be at the oh-so-sensitive nipples, or on the soft skin underneath them. I love to kiss your breasts, and suck on your nipples. I long to suckle on them while you writhe beneath me, bound and helpless.

Your brattiness delights me. The way that you tease me, the way that you call me a pain in the ass. They way you groan at my jokes, and the way that you metaphorically stamp your foot to try to get your own way. I love the battle of words and wits that seems to arise so often, and the way that you react when I've had enough and put you over my knee for a spanking. There's nothing so appealing as a brat who's just been put back into her place.

I love the contradiction of your shyness with me. The way that you can't quite bring yourself to say things plainly with me. The way that you'll skirt around certain topics and subjects. And the way that you react when I order you to speak plainly. It's like I'm constantly seducing you, constantly teaching you how to talk about these things. Especially since I *know* that you have no difficulty in talking about these things with other people in your life.

Your trust honours me. This is a powerful aspect of our relationship. You trust me with yourself. To tease you, to punish you, and to please you. You trust me to take control of an encounter. You trust me to listen for your safeword, confident that I'll listen (which I, of course, always will). You trust me enough to let me suggest new things to try.

I am constantly pleased by your curiousity. Curiousity about your body, about your reactions to my tender ministrations. Curiousity about my body, and how I'll react to yours. Curiousity about the world. Curiousity about people. You share such a thirst for knowledge with me. I want to teach you about things, and learn things from you. I want to explore so many things with you, angel. Curiousity may have killed the cat, but it's a wonderful aphrodisiac to me.

You have such a spankable ass, too. It's so wonderfully shaped, and even more wonderfully responsive to the palm of my hand. When I spank you, you wriggle it from side to side, but never try to escape. And when I'm finished, it has such a wonderful, rosy glow to it. We still have to perform a serious experiment with the crop, don't we, angel? I wonder if your ass will react the same way to the crop that it does the the palm of my hand. And when I get that wonderful deerskin flogger that we were looking at, will you be quite as eager to offer your ass to me?

And finally (for now), your eagerness to please me has a powerful effect on me. You are constantly trying to balance the desire to be told what to do with the desire to do things that will please me. I'm truly honoured that you choose to try to make me happy, angel. It is a gift to me that I do my best to give back to you in return. Whether it's getting me a drink, or helping me with my website, or coming over to help me when I'm sick, you offer your time, your care, and your attention to me without hesitation. I want you to know that it is very much noticed, and very much appreciated, angel.

It's been too long since we were together, angel. I'm looking forward to seeing you again, and showing you how I feel about you. Till then, I hope that my words here will suffice.


posted at 02:28 PM :: permalink :: Comments (0)
filed under observations

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