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dominance and strength

Dear darling angel,

The other day, I told you that I thought you were one of the most dominant women I know. Needless to say, you were surprised, and you asked me to write a post explaining the reasons for that opinion to you. Hmmm. I've called you a brat on more than one occassion. (Okay, I call you a brat VERY often.) But what other terms would I use to describe you?

Let's see. You're one of the strongest people I know. For someone facing so many challenges and crises in her life, you show remarkably little tendency to engage in self-pity. It's one of the things that most attracts me to you. I can see that you have an inner belief in yourself. It's one of the things about myself that I most treasure. I lost it for a while, but I've gotten it back again, and I'm never going to lose that sense of self again.

First off, you run your own business. From time to time, I've watched you as you deal with your customers, and your business associates, either on the phone or via email. I've watched your reaction to someone trying to steal your ideas and invade your market by recycling your own materials, and I've been impressed with the strength and decisiveness you've shown. When you've been faced with either non-cooperative, or downright obstructionist partners, you've stuck to your guns, and worked toward getting what YOU want. This is not a matter of ego, of having to be the top dog all the time. This has, so far, been about doing the right thing, at the right time.

And that's another thing that I love about you, angel. You have some firmly held beliefs, but they're backed with fact, rather than emotion. You aren't afraid to argue these beliefs with me when we've differed. You are far from afraid to challenge me. Do you know how precious that is, angel? Do you know how attractive that single characteristic is to me? I am a strong willed man, but I won't stay that way unless I'm challenged. Use it or lose it applies to more than just muscle tone and freedom.

When you're wrong, you'll admit it. Admit it and take any consequences that come. I've seen you have to reorder your thinking to accomodate new information, and it makes me feel very lucky to have such an intelligent, flexible woman in my life. Because a smart person DOES change their opinions based on new information. A strong person DOES have the ability to change their thinking when they discover that the universe doesn't quite match up with their perceptions of it. And a wise person DOES have the ability to recognize the need to change.

But when I've made a decision and put my foot down, you respect my position. I sometimes have to demonstrate just how firm my belief is, but I respect that. If I'm not able to defend my positions, or I'm not willing to stand by them, then they're probably not that important to me. But when it's important, I, like you, won't back down.

There's a difference between being dominant, and being domineering.

People tend to avoid domineering bullies, but they tend to want to be around dominant leaders.

You, dearest angel, are a dominant sub. That is, you are dominant in social situations, and submissive in your relationship with me. When you interact with other people, you have a natural tendency to challenge them. This does not mean that you are going to run roughshod over everyone you meet, but you do like to challenge their assumptions on a regular basis. Sometimes you make outrageous jokes. Sometimes you interrupt them. Sometimes you contradict their assumptions when you're trying to make a point. Challenge, challenge, challenge.

And when someone challenges you right back, your eyes light up. I've seen you, with your friends, when you get challenged. It's like you live for that feeling, that knowledge that someone isn't going to let your run over them. You love being around those that know what they're talking about. You love trying to see the limits of that knowledge, and you're not afraid to show off your own.

Yes, you are submissive. You love to be made to submit, though. You don't just give me what I want, I have to take it from you. I have to make you submit. Sometimes I do it through force of will, and sometimes I do it through my actions. I see you pushing me, baiting me with your words and sharp tongue. I see the way you light up when I respond, and the way you keep pushing me when I don't react.

Sometimes, I catch you at it, and decide to head you off, either by changing the subject, or by touching you in certain ways, or sometimes, by looking at you in a particular way. I see the way you react when I fight back. First, there's a look of surprise. Then there's sometimes a tinge of outrage. Then, finally, there's satisfaction. When I reinforce my position, and keep you in line, you glow. I love to see that glow. You're so happy when it happens, like you feel safe, and protected, and wanted. But I have to earn that glow from you - you never just give it away.

You respect self confidence, you respect competence, and you respect knowledge. You are independent, fiesty, and don't suffer fools if you can help it. You are smart as a whip, quick as lightning, and sexy as hell, angel. And it's a lot of fun trying to keep ahead of you.


posted at 09:48 PM :: Comments (5)
filed under musings

comments on this entry

We've all said it before, but I'll say it again...

Such a lucky Angel.

To have a dominant partner so attracted to your dominance, though you are his submissive, is a rare thing. One day I'll find my Dom who will appreciate and celebrate my dominant side as well.


— posted by: Devlyn on January 28, 2005 09:07 PM

What a lovely post. This describes me as well--dominant in all areas of my life except for one. Thank you for writing.

— posted by: Rasee on January 29, 2005 06:08 AM

An interesting mix of qualities your angel has.
It must be difficult for her to handle such a contradictory personality. She was very fortunate to meet someone such as yourself. Did you inspire her or vice versa? It is hard to manage strength and weakness, fact and emotion, respect and defiance and you need to have an equal beside you, someone who knows what it feels like to have a fire burning inside you right along with a cool stream and how to release it all, appropriately.

It is no fun to be right all the time. There is no growth there. It is nice to be stretched out and examined and forced to rethink things. It feels wonderful to be be tied and restrained and made to be still and surrender. To find out what works and what doesn't. Hard and soft. To challenge your own beliefs and others is the human spirit at its best.

It makes life interesting. It makes relationships better. It makes sex fantastic. It keeps you alive and excited. Power is sexy. So is the proper respect of that power. How you choose to play with that is where all the fun is.

— posted by: sedai on January 30, 2005 03:55 AM

Devlyn: I think *I'm* the lucky one. After all, she has to put up with me, and my ... creativity. ;-)

Rasee: I think that many submissives can be described that way. Well, many of the interesting ones to me, anyways.

sedai: I don't know how hard it is for her to handle the contrast. As far as I know, she was like that when I met her - it's one of the reasons I decided that I had to go out with her. I like to be challenged. It pushes me to try harder, to be sure before I speak, and to be certain before I act. Because I know that if I try to slide something past her, she's going to call me on it. And if she doesn't, I'm going to call her on *that*.

It tends to lead to very clear communications, with less game playing. And I had enough game playing and obscured messages in prior relationships. When I take control, I get very clear messages from angel. I get to hear what she *really* wants, rather than what she thinks she *should* want. (Of course, sometimes I ask leading questions - especially when she's been teased for a half hour or so... bwa ha ha!)

— posted by: Neko on January 31, 2005 09:51 PM

This is a beautiful love letter. You are both very lucky to have such joy in your lives.

— posted by: on February 13, 2005 11:16 AM


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