Home: tips and revelations, pt. 1

tips and revelations, pt. 1

Dearest, naughtiest angel of my heart,

I've been having an interesting email chat with Acapella, who wrote a heartfelt comment over on SpankingBlog, and I've been thinking about those unfortunate folks who haven't yet told their partners that they're submissive. In our case, these tips aren't necessary, but they might be helpful to some of the readers.

How to let him know you want to be spanked, without coming right out and saying so:

1. Write a letter to a fantasy Dom, telling him what you want to do. Then, screw up your courage and give it to him.

2. Buy a copy of Screw the Roses, and give it to him as a gift.

3. Have a friend write a letter of introduction to him as if he were a Dom.

4. Buy a copy of "The Secretary" and ask him to watch it with you. Afterwards, tell him that you thought the scenes where she gets spanked are hot, and ask him to do that to you.

5. Get drunk, and tell him, explicitly, what you want him to do to you. Then, confirm it when you're sober.

6. Make a video of yourself, asking him to discipline you, and describe in detail what you want him to do to you.

7. Write an erotic story about a woman being punished, and give it to him. If the first story you write isn't good enough, write another. Keep this up till you have a story that matches what you want, how you'd feel during and after, and why you'd want it.

8. Find the local BDSM community, via Bondage.com's IRC chats, and ask other submissives there how they came out to their SO's.

9. Buy some rope, a collar, and a spanking paddle, and be waiting, collared and naked on the bed for him to come home. When he arrives, tell him that you've been bad, and that you need to be spanked before you can be forgiven. (Make sure the rope won't give you rope burns, and is at least 3/8" thick - anything smaller will cut into you a little.)

10. Tell him to spank you when you are in the middle of sex. Don't worry about topping from the bottom. But make sure that you tell him afterwards that you'd like him to do that again, when HE feels like it.

11. Start writing a blog yourself, documenting your feelings, and exploring your reasons for wanting to be submissive and/or spanked. When you are more aware of the reasons behind these desires, and the seriousness of them, give him the URL and ask him to read it.

12. Have a female friend tell him that you need a good spanking to set you right.

13. Write out a list of things that you DO want, that you DON'T want, and ask him to do the same. You can use the BDSM profile on Bondage.COM for a template of things that are available.

Things NOT to do to the poor guy.

1. Hint that you want something more, but don't be specific. This is bound to frustrate him, and will make him insecure. That's unlikely to get him to take the lead.

2. Go out of your way to piss him off, hoping that he'll throw you over his knee. This is not the way society has trained us men how to deal with a woman.

3. Withdraw from him, hoping that he'll get forceful. He's more likely to figure that he's doing something wrong (instead of not doing something right) and it may actually make him seek out someone else.

4. Give him an ultimatum. Ultimatums are a bad idea, because they reduce everything to black or white. BDSM is not an all or nothing choice. You can include whatever parts of it that work for you into your life. There is no "One True Way". Your mileage may vary. ;-)

5. Ridicule him, hoping to make him lose his temper. As I've written other places, anger has NOTHING to do with D/s. I've put angel over my knee when she's needed it, but never in anger.

6. Seek outside satisfaction of your kink. For god's sake, if you can't tell him what you want, don't go looking for someone else to satisfy you. If its important enough for you to do that, then swallow your embarassment and tell him right out. Having been in the dating scene for a while, and having specifically identified what I like to do to a woman, you'd be surprised how many attached women try to find someone to do that for them instead of asking their partners to do it.

7. Get angry at him for not understanding what you want without you explaining it to him. Due to budget cuts, telepathy classes are no longer taught in high school. We men have to try to figure out what women want without the benefit of reading their minds. Men and women think differently. We respond differently to the same stimulus. What works for a woman probably won't work for a man. And vice versa. Vive la difference, however. That's what makes it fun to date the opposite sex.

Of course, the best way to reveal your submissive desires is to sit down with your partner, and try to explain it to them in a way that they can understand. If you aren't sure of your partner, and you're not comfortable with that side of yourself, you probably need to take more time to think about it, and you definitely need to explore that side of your partner.

What do you think, angel? Have I forgotten anything? I know how you let me know that you need a spanking. You start acting like a brat, and start teasing me. Or you start disobeying me like you did the other night, and touch yourself when you don't have permission. Or you start squirming away from me when I reach to tie you up.

I'm so glad that I found you, angel.


posted at 10:28 PM :: Comments (10)
filed under observations

comments on this entry

A very good post, Neko, and something that's more expansive than one I did the other day. I'm glad I came and read it.

The worst scenario you have is that you tell your S/O your wishes and get shot down, but at least you can then decide how to proceed, whether your desires are too important to be denied, and your relationship is therefore tantamount to whipping a dead horse that'll never get up and run the Kentucky Derby, or if you can put those wishes aside, or satisfy them with simple masturbation and fantasies, or online or whatever.

You're absolutely right too that this isn't a black-or-white deal. It's entirely grey between two extremes, and you'll find the shade of grey that suits your needs and desires. I've often said that fear is a very bad motivator, and it's an even worse de-motivator, so to speak. Anyway, if my idjit ass could figure out how to do a trackback from my post to this one, I certainly would.

I'll visit often, amigo.


— posted by: Patrick H. on October 26, 2004 03:06 AM

Hmmm. I've done some right things and some wrong things, I guess. I am trying to describe my needs to him via my blog and we talk about what we want. However, I don't quite know how to explain all that hasn't got anything to do with fucking per se. The mental sex aspects. The psychological domming. The mindfucking. It is very, very difficult to explain, and quite a task to set before someone who was brought up in a culture of gender equality and other cultural conditionings. I'm doing a series of posts on the matter, and I hope I can describe it all without making him feel insecure and under pressure.

And thanks for another fantastic post, by the way.


— posted by: Bliatz on October 26, 2004 03:28 PM

Great post Neko, after i read Patricks post on the subject, i wrote one on my blog too. It is kind of funny how there seems to be topics that spread from blog to blog in the little circle of pervy bloggers. Anyway, your suggestions were great, hopefully they will help all the people still hiding the the kinky closet, he he. Take care.


— posted by: temptation on October 26, 2004 03:48 PM

I have a few suggestions to add:


1. Look at web sites, together, on the topic of BDSM. If he's not a reader (a lot of men aren't) then try looking at some photos on the subject, ones that turn you on, and then share them with him. Look at them together, so you can explain *why* something turns you on (it may be the expression on her face or the way that she's tied, but he might be focusing on the clothespins on her nipples!).

2. Send him sexy photos of BDSM via email, and ask him what he thinks of them.

For me, the most important part is finding a way that you're comfortable with to open a dialogue. If you started dating with someone in a vanilla context, you don't have any existing discussion or frame of reference to build on - you have to create one, for the two of you to explore and learn about one another.


1. Do anything until you know, clearly and explicitly, your own wants and needs in this area. I know you said that up above, my love, but it bears repeating.

2. Expect him to jump on the bandwagon immediately. BDSM is an intimate thing, something that involves our entire bodies and minds as well, when done properly. It takes a period of adjustment to get used to the idea of playing in this manner, particularly if you've come from a predominantly vanilla background. Odds are, you've been thinking about this a while before deciding to bring this up to your partner... expect that they'll need some time, in kind, to evaluate how they feel about it.

3. Forget to praise! Everyone loves positive feedback - especially men, when they're trying something new. Make sure he understands absolutely and often that if he does decide to try this with you, that you appreciate every single step he takes in this journey.

Neko, I too am very grateful that we found each other, and found each other already knowing what we each wanted. It has been a delicious ride so far... I can't wait to see what happens next. ;)

— posted by: Neko's Angel on October 26, 2004 08:36 PM

Thank you all for the wonderful comments.

Patrick: Thanks for your insight. It's true - the worst thing that can happen is that you find out that your mate is not at all interested in BDSM - at which point you have to decide if they're the right person for you to be with.

Bliatz: Everyone does some of the "Don't" list at some point. My aim is to gently encourage nervous submissives into better, clearer communications with their partners. Having been on the wrong end of the "Don'ts", I know how frustrating it can be.

temptation: It's funny - I read your post, then Patrick's (after seeing your reference to it) and I had to laugh. I'd already decided to write this post, and a few others, based on my conversation with Acapella, and you two went and scooped me! ;-)

— posted by: Neko on October 26, 2004 11:05 PM

angel: Thank you for the additional suggestions. I think both Do's are wonderful ideas, and I *know* how much you enjoy discussing the things we've seen online together. It's definitely a strong incentive to start discussions between us.

And all three Don'ts are excellent points. But it's not just *men* that react well to positive feedback. ;-) And as you say, patience is ALWAYS required on both sides for this to work.

And I'm sure that we'll have fun, and new experiences, together in the future.

— posted by: Neko on October 26, 2004 11:12 PM

I think sometimes an idea just gets born all the way around, Neko. Just like when steam engines were invented. Overnight, there were seemingly hundreds of 'em designed, for instance. Shrugs. You still wrote a very good article, imho, and I definitely like it more for reading it a second time.


— posted by: Patrick H. on October 27, 2004 12:50 AM

He he, Patrick and i might have gotten a post off about the topic first, but yours was definatly more helpful than mine. That is one thing that i know to be true about men, they like to fix things, women just like to talk about problems for hours and hours until they have repeated every point several times using different words (something that i was famous for back in highschool). Anyway, i wish i had been able to read your post before trying to coierce MJ into BDSM (don't mind my spelling). Cause it was kind of scary, but i did do your one suggestion, i bought Him some books and it all turned out in the end anyway, lol. Take care Neko, looking forward to your next post ;)

— posted by: temptation on October 27, 2004 05:59 PM

Hey, Neko. I put up a post on my blog directing people to this article. I hope you don't mind, but I think it's a very good article and deserves a bit of extra attention.


— posted by: Patrick H. on November 3, 2004 09:19 AM

Thanks for the reference, Patrick. I appreciate you pointing people to the post. I hope that it helps our readers in some way.

— posted by: Neko on November 3, 2004 10:03 AM


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