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question and answer

Dearest angel of mine,

You asked me the other day if I would want you to wear my collar openly. I declined to answer, and gave you a point for making me think about myself. Because I have had to think about this before I'm able to answer it fully.

Part of me wants you to wear a collar in public. That's the part of me that wants to embarrass you because it turns you on, you naughty exhibitionist, you. I'd love to watch you squirm while you walked down the street with me. I know that your imagination would have you jumping every time someone looked at you, because you'd be sure that they noticed, and wondered. You'd also beam with pride because you're proud to wear my collar, aren't you, angel?

It's the same part of me that loves to whisper naughty threats or suggestions in your ear in public. Like the time we were waiting for our food to be made at a local sub shop, and I whispered to you that I was going to spank you when we finished lunch. You were absolutely sure that the guy making our subs had heard me, weren't you? And you were so amazingly turned on by it, and by your own reaction. I love to make you squirm and blush, angel, because you get so excited by it.

But then I start thinking about my reaction to other people forcing me to acknowledge *their* sexuality, and I reconsider. I support people of "non-mainstream" sexuality as a general rule. I don't care what they want to do, or who they want to do it to (up to a point, of course), as long as there is informed consent on all sides. Human sexuality is a complex thing, and there is no "one size fits all" plan. Throughout human history, there has been patriarchy, matriarchy, arranged marriages, love matches, male-to-male and female-to-female relationships, monogamy, polygamy, group marriage, open marriage, and celibacy. There are those that engage in fetish play (of astonishingly wide variety), bondage, sadism and masochism, spanking, dominance and submission, pain play, humiliation play, and more. In short, there are so many different ways that people get their rocks off, that I can't say, definitively, what mainstream is.

However, I'm a firm believer in the Golden Rule. (No, you brat, not "He who has the gold makes the rules...", the OTHER golden rule.) I try my best to treat others as I'd like them to treat me, and I don't necessarily want to know about my friends and co-workers' sex lives. I don't want to know that the person waiting at the bus stop with me is a foot fetishist. I don't want to know that the person serving me coffee at the local Starbucks likes to experiment with heavy duty needle play. And I don't care that the person taking care of my cat is seeing 5 men, and likes her boyfriends submissive, so that they can be bent over and spanked. As long as they maintain a professional attitude in their jobs, then I can live without the added drama of knowing what they do in their time off.

I like to speculate, though. I like to do a little free range peoplewatching, and try to figure out what people are like from how they act in public. But, as you know, I like a challenge. I don't like having someone else's insecurity flaunted in my face. I'm secure enough in my sexuality that I made it a criteria when I was looking. I've avoided relationships with vanilla women, because I *am* sure that BDSM play is part of me. I have some ideas, about some of my vanilla friends, and I have some concrete knowledge about some of my kinky friends. But I tend to keep my sexuality to myself, because it makes things simpler for those that *don't* want to know. And lets face it, not everyone wants to know what their friends do to get their rocks off.

So, in answer to your question to me, angel - I would love it if you wore my collar, in public, to a munch where other people involved in BDSM were meeting. I may one day take you to a play party wearing my collar, and make you watch as other folks climb up on spanking benches to play. I may tell you, one day, to get up on such a spanking bench yourself. But I think I'll get you something discreet to wear in public, to mark you as mine. Perhaps a small anklet, with a cat and wings, that you can wear 24/7. Think of it as my attempt to live by the credo of the Golden Rule.

However - be assured that you are mine, and I don't want to share you with anyone. I've been amazingly lucky to have you in my life these past four months, angel.


posted at 05:13 PM :: Comments (9)
filed under musings

comments on this entry

A good post, Neko. And I agree with you entirely that I'm not that interested in the sex lives of my friends and neighbors, mainly because it is absolutely none of my business, and similarly, what Gracie and I do in our relationship is our business.

To that end, I went to a store in Houston once upon a time, a place called "Silverlust," and bought her a pretty pendant on a silver chain, called a Celtic triskele. I don't know what it means to the Celts, and really don't give a shit, to be honest, but it looks close enough to the BDSM emblem to work, and it's discreet enough that people just think it's a pretty pendant. She's worn it constantly since the day I gave it to her. Other than to clean it, it hasn't left her neck in nearly four years.


— posted by: Patrick H. on October 29, 2004 09:18 PM

As usual, Neko, nicely done.

I bought a "play collar" for L a few months ago. Nice black leather with D-rings on both sides and in front. The first time she wore it was to a local group's munch/meeting/play-party and at that point it was fetishwear to her. These days she wears it proudly as a symbol that she belongs to me.

Once she had it on when we stopped at a grocery store on the way to a group potluck, and as far as I could tell no one seemed to pay much attention (surprising for a relatively small town in the South).

The importance of collars is what they mean to the couple, though. And I concur about the in-your-faceness factor. One day soon I hope to give L something for around her neck that will be appropriate to wear anywhere.

— posted by: John on October 30, 2004 12:34 AM

I wear a leather cuff openly on my left wrist when I am not in work - one advantage of being a metaller is most people we hang out with ask where I got it and are jealous. I can wear his collar too when with those friends.

I like the thrill of wearing them, knowing most people think I am just wearing them because they are not cool but I wear them, knowing its for him.

However, I would never wear those when not dressed as a metaller. It would be too obvious and in your face.

— posted by: Helen on October 30, 2004 01:24 PM

Thank you all for the suggestions.

Patrick: The triskele is a symbol of the three faces of the Goddess. And it *is* the BDSM symbol, having been adopted by "the community" a while back.

John: I don't live in a small town, but nonetheless, I'd rather have something symbolic but unobtrusive - fewer idiots for her to deal with then.

Helen: I hadn't thought of getting her a heavy metal bracelet, but that might be a good compromise.

However, I'd still like to get something with angel wings and a cat (Neko is japanese for cat, after all.)

— posted by: Neko on October 30, 2004 04:26 PM

What I know about Celtic religion could obviously be written with a Magic Marker inside a matchbook cover. LOL

Sometimes it may turn out to be worth your while to look into having something custom made, Neko. Silver isn't too terribly expensive, and it seems (just casually looking around) like metalsmithing is on the rise as a hobby. You may be able to find someone local to you who could do something like that and wouldn't require you having to refinance your house. LOL


— posted by: Patrick H. on October 30, 2004 07:52 PM

Hey, Neko,

Gracie and I were just out to the movies. On the way there, I'd mentioned this thread on your blog, and she suggested the possibility of a charm bracelet with angel and cat charms on it, something that would hold great meaning to you two, but would be utterly prosaic to anyone else on casual notice. Just another thought for ya.


— posted by: Patrick H. on October 31, 2004 01:42 AM

B bought me a plain silver bracelet (a band about 5mm wide and 2mm thick) to serve in place of a collar for 24/7 wear. We know what it's for - everyone else who has expressed an opinion thinks it's a very nice bracelet. It would look a bit odd with a charm attached, though - a chain would be better for that. However, it does look very good worn with a silver chain with a small heart pendant attached.

— posted by: C. on October 31, 2004 03:30 PM

Great post as usual Neko! i might have to send MJ over to read it. the collar that i have is custom made, solid steel, very heavy. i am afraid it would leave little to the imagination if i were to wear it in public, and although our city has a pretty wide variety of open-minded people, there will always be more than a few morons in every bunch. i would like to have a reminder of Him to wear in public, and although i have plenty of nice jewelry from Him, none was given for this purpose. i think that a special ring could be nice, worn on the right hand ring finger. Or an anklet is appealing. Anyway, thanks for the thoughts Neko, take care.

— posted by: temptation on November 1, 2004 11:59 AM

Hi there. i wear two rings. On my left hand is my wedding ring, the one that lets the world know i'm his. On my right is a sterling silver ring, the one that marks me as his slave. Most people don't look twice, and if they do, they only compliment my rings.
i was thinking about your cat and wings idea. i'm in the south too, Virginia to be exact, and its very easy to get charm necklaces here. Sterling silver or gold usually with an empty clasp. You then buy the charms you want to go in the clasp. If my sister was able to find a pair of scissors as a charm (she's a hairdresser) then i bet you could find what you want as well.
Best of luck!

— posted by: angel... not yours, of course! on November 3, 2004 11:39 PM


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