Home: love and trust

love and trust

Dear angel,

I've been thinking about trust today. It's been three wonderful months now, and my trust and admiration for you continues to grow. One of the wonderful things about the trust between us is that it lets us explore more things together.

Everyone that thinks about BDSM knows that the submissive has to trust her Dom implicitly. It's obvious to them that she has to trust him - after all, he's going to tie her up and/or beat on her with leather things or some such. If she doesn't trust him, why would she do this?

But have you considered the depth to which a Dom has to trust his submissive? When I tie you up, I have to trust you to use your safeword if something goes wrong. I have to trust you to stop me if I brush up against one of your boundaries, or inadvertantly say something that brings up painful emotional baggage. I have to trust a submissive not to go running to friends, family, or police, showing signs of being bound, bruises from being beaten, and the glue from duct tape around her mouth, and accuse me of abusing her. I have to trust that her emotional health is solid enough to withstand the rollercoaster that is BDSM, that she is doing this because she enjoys it, not because she doesn't think she has any choice.

There are too many ways that a BDSM relationship can get messed up if that trust isn't there. Before I took you as my own, I met many women who were interested in BDSM, but didn't understand the rules. Some didn't know that they could insist on safewords. Some thought that they had no rights as a submissive. Some thought that I would be completely responsible for them. Some that thought that their last lover was completely within his rights to beat her silly for not living up to his expectations, no matter how ridiculous they were. You'll note that I'm not with any of these women, even though they feel they're being totally submissive.

Everyone is responsible for their own choices. That's a fundamental rule of the universe, in my opinion. Everyone chooses to submit, and chooses how long to submit, and to what. We went through a negotiating period, before we even met, where we exchanged long emails to establish our compatability. We spoke for hours on the phone, engaging in innuendo, teasing, and frank discussions of what each of us expected. And this whole process was important. It began to lay the foundations of trust that our relationship is built on.

But once that trust is there, dearest angel, then the play begins to take on a more interesting aspect. Once I was sure that you'd use your safeword, that you take responsibility for what's happening to you as much as I do, then I could do things like ignore your pleading. I can continue to spank you even if you are crying and begging me to stop. I can take you in ways that you want, but are uncomfortable with wanting. I can take you suddenly, without warning or warm up, simply because I want to, and be secure that you can stop me with the use of the safeword. But you won't, because you love being taken suddenly as much as I love taking you.

I trust you, angel. I trust you with my heart, and I trust you with my sexuality. And I see how much you trust me every day we're together. I feel it every time I take you in my arms, every time I take control of you. I know you trust me, and I know you love me.

And I love you, too.


posted at 11:56 PM :: Comments (9)
filed under musings

comments on this entry

Lovely new site! my relationship doesn't follow the same rules as Yours, but what You say is just as true anyway -- the need for trust goes both ways. i may blog on this and link back to You because You've said it so well. Thanks!

— posted by: cee on October 3, 2004 10:57 PM

Dear Neko. Just found your blog via my site stats, and I absolutely love it! Your reflections about domming are extremely valuable, as it is heartbreakingly difficult for me to formulate these things. If it's okay with you, I'll post a link to you right away?

I don't know if you have read my attempts to describe how I perceive the art of domming? My "Dom school" posts are scarce, as they are definitely the most difficult to write. I'm no domme. I'm just a sub trying to throw hints as to what I need. Your blog is one big dom school post. So, if you don't mind, I'd like to quote you? To discuss some of your points over at my site?

Whaddayasay? Can I refer to this place in my dom school posts?

— posted by: Bliatz on October 10, 2004 06:55 AM

PS. I'm not very patient, so I'll do a post right away! :-)

— posted by: Bliatz on October 10, 2004 07:41 AM

Well, Bliatz,

Thanks for the kind comments. You can certainly refer to my blog when you post on your own. But only if you say "Please".


— posted by: Neko on October 10, 2004 09:34 AM


— posted by: Bliatz on October 10, 2004 09:36 AM

Certainly, dear bliatz.


— posted by: Neko on October 10, 2004 09:47 AM

Thank you, Neko! :)

— posted by: Bliatz on October 10, 2004 10:19 AM

Wow, your writing is so touching, it makes me smile inside. Thank you for sharing your thoughts so openly with the rest of us. Hope you don't mind us adding your blog to our links list! Take care and be safe.

— posted by: temptation on October 13, 2004 10:20 PM

Thanks a lot, temptation. I'd be honoured to be added to your links list.

— posted by: Neko on October 16, 2004 11:36 AM


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