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expectations and reality

My dear angel,

The dynamics of a relationship that includes domination and submission are often both simpler and more complex than the so-called "normal" relationship.

On the one hand, the roles taken by each participant require certain mindsets to be adopted. For the dominant partner, a great deal of thought, effort, and observation is required. He has to pay attention to his partner's actions, her reactions, and her emotions. He has to think of creative ways to punish AND reward his girl. It can take a great deal of effort to maintain control at all times, without overstepping the boundaries of the relationship and falling into abusive or hurtful patterns. And he must make his girl feel secure and safe in her place. This can be harder than it seems.

The submissive has to be able to trust her partner to tell her what she must do. She must trust him to be honest and open with her about his feelings of pride, disappointment, or displeasure with her. She must understand where she has succeeded in pleasing him, and where she has failed him - and how to correct this. She must feel that her submission is treasured, and that she is cherished, or the relationship will not work over the long term. After all, we're all human, aren't we?

This communication, this trust, takes time to develop. It takes time for each partner to learn where they stand, to learn what works, and what doesn't. There will be mistakes. There will be disappointments, in ourselves, and in each other. But for the relationship to work, we must be forgiving. Forgiving of each other, for not knowing, or for making mistakes. And forgiving of ourselves, for not living up to our ideas of what we should be able to do, or for not being able to say what we need at a particular point in time.

Relationships that include BDSM elements in them can be very intimate. There is a possibility of forging a connection that goes beyond the surface, and down to the bones. These connections make us stronger, make us more confident in the outside world. A strong connection like this can make us more willing to take risks in other areas of our lives. But there is a commensurate risk of hurting each other. Because we are dealing with such fundamental, raw parts of ourselves, we can accidentally, or through ignorance, cause severe emotional damage. The only way to avoid that is to communicate our feelings to each other.

I cherish you. That means that I cherish all of you. From the tip of your nose, to the balls of your feet. From your fears, to your pet peeves, to your joys, and to your strengths. Maybe I'm being foolish, but I try to look at the whole person, and accept them as they are. I accept both the good and bad of each person in my life - and I do my best to be worthy of the friendship offered to me. I promise to do my best to be an honourable, and honest man, so that I deserve your trust and companionship.

When you have pleased me, I will tell you. When you have disappointed me, I will tell you. When you deserve reward, I will be lavish. When you need punishment, I will be compassionate - but firm. But in return, I ask that you trust me enough to tell me when I make a mistake.

In contrast, many "normal" relationships can be fraught with frustration for one or both partners. Frequently, there is no frank discussion of expectations or roles or acceptable behaviour. There is no acknowledgement of needs on either side. In fact, there can frequently be miscommunications on the subject of what is needed or wanted by one of the partners. The sad thing is that this is entirely avoidable.

There is often a great deal of should used in communications about sex. "I shouldn't like this, but ..." "She should find a partner that does..." or "Sex should be like...". This, of course, is the way to disappointment. For many people, I think that the idea of sex is bounded by rules, expectations, and shame. People frequently get it into their heads that certain things are dirty, or not acceptable, because other people have told them so.

But this ignores the fact that people are individuals. People have their own personalities, made up - in part - of the sum of their experiences. Every one of us has different needs, different expectations, and different desires. So how do we judge what is "right" and what is "wrong".

Some people put their faith in a religion. They let someone else do the thinking for them, and tell them what is right or wrong. Some people remove all barriers, and accept that anything goes. Both of these positions strike me as lazy. On the one hand, you let others tell you, so you don't have to decide for yourself. On the other hand, you don't disapprove of anything, so you don't have to make any decisions. I think that the true path is somewhere in the middle.

If I am not causing harm to another, then I'm not doing something wrong. If my actions help someone feel secure, strong, and cherished, then how can they be wrong? If my actions help someone grow in themselves, become more independent, and more accepting of their faults while still wanting to correct them, then how can I be doing wrong? If you wish to let someone else take control of your actions, of your sensations, and they don't abuse abuse that control, then it's not wrong.

It comes down to trust and communications - you can't have one without the other. I trust you to let me know your limits, to let me know when something isn't working. You trust me to tell you what to do, to respect your limits, and to push you to do things within those limits. We've got a very good start, darling. We've got a good foundation to work on, and I intend to continue to improve on it. I trust you to work on improving it as well. I know you want to, and I know you will.

You are a darling and wonderful girl, and I am very happy to have you in my life.


posted at 03:50 PM :: Comments (0)
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