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dominance and strength

Dear darling angel,

The other day, I told you that I thought you were one of the most dominant women I know. Needless to say, you were surprised, and you asked me to write a post explaining the reasons for that opinion to you. Hmmm. I've called you a brat on more than one occassion. (Okay, I call you a brat VERY often.) But what other terms would I use to describe you?

Let's see. You're one of the strongest people I know. For someone facing so many challenges and crises in her life, you show remarkably little tendency to engage in self-pity. It's one of the things that most attracts me to you. I can see that you have an inner belief in yourself. It's one of the things about myself that I most treasure. I lost it for a while, but I've gotten it back again, and I'm never going to lose that sense of self again.

First off, you run your own business. From time to time, I've watched you as you deal with your customers, and your business associates, either on the phone or via email. I've watched your reaction to someone trying to steal your ideas and invade your market by recycling your own materials, and I've been impressed with the strength and decisiveness you've shown. When you've been faced with either non-cooperative, or downright obstructionist partners, you've stuck to your guns, and worked toward getting what YOU want. This is not a matter of ego, of having to be the top dog all the time. This has, so far, been about doing the right thing, at the right time.

And that's another thing that I love about you, angel. You have some firmly held beliefs, but they're backed with fact, rather than emotion. You aren't afraid to argue these beliefs with me when we've differed. You are far from afraid to challenge me. Do you know how precious that is, angel? Do you know how attractive that single characteristic is to me? I am a strong willed man, but I won't stay that way unless I'm challenged. Use it or lose it applies to more than just muscle tone and freedom.

When you're wrong, you'll admit it. Admit it and take any consequences that come. I've seen you have to reorder your thinking to accomodate new information, and it makes me feel very lucky to have such an intelligent, flexible woman in my life. Because a smart person DOES change their opinions based on new information. A strong person DOES have the ability to change their thinking when they discover that the universe doesn't quite match up with their perceptions of it. And a wise person DOES have the ability to recognize the need to change.

But when I've made a decision and put my foot down, you respect my position. I sometimes have to demonstrate just how firm my belief is, but I respect that. If I'm not able to defend my positions, or I'm not willing to stand by them, then they're probably not that important to me. But when it's important, I, like you, won't back down.

There's a difference between being dominant, and being domineering.

• Dominant people show others that they're right.
• Domineering people bully those around them to get their way.
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• Dominant people are not afraid to admit that they are wrong.
• Domineering people feel that admitting that they are wrong means that they are weak.
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• Dominant partners encourage their followers to try harder, and teach them how to achieve more.
• Domineering partners scream at their followers to get them to work faster and/or harder and/or longer.
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• Dominant people surround themselves with strong people, who can push them to achieve more.
• Domineering people surround themselves with weaker people, who they can push around.

People tend to avoid domineering bullies, but they tend to want to be around dominant leaders.

You, dearest angel, are a dominant sub. That is, you are dominant in social situations, and submissive in your relationship with me. When you interact with other people, you have a natural tendency to challenge them. This does not mean that you are going to run roughshod over everyone you meet, but you do like to challenge their assumptions on a regular basis. Sometimes you make outrageous jokes. Sometimes you interrupt them. Sometimes you contradict their assumptions when you're trying to make a point. Challenge, challenge, challenge.

And when someone challenges you right back, your eyes light up. I've seen you, with your friends, when you get challenged. It's like you live for that feeling, that knowledge that someone isn't going to let your run over them. You love being around those that know what they're talking about. You love trying to see the limits of that knowledge, and you're not afraid to show off your own.

Yes, you are submissive. You love to be made to submit, though. You don't just give me what I want, I have to take it from you. I have to make you submit. Sometimes I do it through force of will, and sometimes I do it through my actions. I see you pushing me, baiting me with your words and sharp tongue. I see the way you light up when I respond, and the way you keep pushing me when I don't react.

Sometimes, I catch you at it, and decide to head you off, either by changing the subject, or by touching you in certain ways, or sometimes, by looking at you in a particular way. I see the way you react when I fight back. First, there's a look of surprise. Then there's sometimes a tinge of outrage. Then, finally, there's satisfaction. When I reinforce my position, and keep you in line, you glow. I love to see that glow. You're so happy when it happens, like you feel safe, and protected, and wanted. But I have to earn that glow from you - you never just give it away.

You respect self confidence, you respect competence, and you respect knowledge. You are independent, fiesty, and don't suffer fools if you can help it. You are smart as a whip, quick as lightning, and sexy as hell, angel. And it's a lot of fun trying to keep ahead of you.

Neko

posted at 09:48 PM :: Comments (5)
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